Teenage Damn Feelings #01
This would be my first entry here on which I called " Teenage Damn Feelings". This is the collection of thoughts and feelings of a typical teenager like me, which I usually do not tell to anyone orally cause I know they don't feel what I feel, or I think they'll just judge me without knowing my whole story.
01-02-2017
6:00 pm. I spent most of my time just lying on the bed after eating a burger and just sipped a milkshake. This is the reason why I gained weight when I'm depressed, I ate alot cause there's pleasurable feeling when you're eating. It's like "I'm having companion atleast, thank you so much food!" The feeling that "buti pa ang pagkain laging andyan para sayo"..
I hate the feeling when you say to someone that you're sad, or depressed. Cause I'll see it in their eyes, and it's like "wala akong pake sa nararamdaman mo, basta ako masaya ako ngayon.." So what I did is just to keep it by myself and sometimes I can't take it anymore. I'll just breakdown, write on my blog or diary. I remember, once I cried at work. I'll just breakdown. I do have alot of problems by that time, at home, school and I think lack of sleep I guess triggered my mood swings. They all came up together by that time, and when I go to work, my desktop was not working properly and my customer got irate and yell at me. I just released the call. (call center agents be like,,) I turned off my computer, I don't care If someone look for me, cause were prohibited to go on breaks or lunch. I just go to c.r and cried alot. Like someone died at that day. To make the story short, my colleague accompany me to eat lunch, they asked me what was happened, and I just told my problems. My other colleague told me, "Hayy, naku Keren may mas matitindi pang problema yung ibang tao diyan, yung iba nga walang makain..." My colleague was older than me, cause I'm one of the youngest agents on our account. And I replied to him " Bakit?????!!! Hindi ba pwedeng umiyak kahit ngayon lang??? Ano yun pipigilin ko na lang yung sarili ko kahit di na ko OK??? Kahit pagod na pagod na ko????!!"
You know I really hate the feeling that they expect too much from me, and they think we are all in the same age. Haler!! I'm just 18. What can you expect? Expect some mood swings, too emotional,
So let's go to the point, the reason why I'm writing is that I do have alot of problems right now. They all just came up and then BANG!!!
It's my bad day. I do have a lot of problems in school, work, home and to myself.
So this is what happened..
I go to school and nothing seems odd or bad. Oh I forgot it's thursday and our first subject was MATH. Yes, my enemy number one. When our professor called us one by one for attendance, he notice my name and mentioned me that I don't have any Quizes. Fvck... Yes, I don't deny that I dont have any quizzes but I just get irritated when he said "Umayos ka ha!" The heck. If you just know how worst professor you are. Cause you know, I just don't have any choice, because our original Prof divided us cause the classroom we're too crowded, and she can't handle it anymore.
Well what made me more irritate is that my classmate told me that our original prof in math was kept calling me on the attendance. Like what the fvck! If I just only know that earlier, I attend her class not on my currently prof.. Ugh.
We're going on lunch, when I heard my classmates was teasing someone. And I asked one of my friends who's the one they referring to. They said it was (let's just call them Saturn for the girl and Lawyer for the boy). Lawyer is my friend.A close friend. (And let me tell something about him on one of my blogs soon..) Of course you'll going to ask why I got irritate on what happened. I don't know. I just felt some jealous for them, Yes, it hurts me. Especially when I saw Lawyer seems so happy or got kilig when they tease to each other. Especially now, Lawyer and I doesn't have time together. I mean we seldom eat together with friends, go to mall, talk for non sense things like that. I got jealous cause he had other friends and I'm not used to see him with others,
When I go home, I checked my phone. I missed a call from my older cousin. I read his text message and it said "Keng wer r u??" and the other text message was like "Ba't mo kinuha yung 100 dito? Pang-apply ko na nga lang yun eh, tapos kukunin mo pa. Ikaw na nga may trabaho diyan, nakakainis ka!" My aunt also texted me, she said "Keng ba't mo daw kinuha yung 100, iyak ng iyak yung kuya mo." I was like, what the heck they're telling. I don't know what they're talking about and they just accused me. Fvck. I was about to cry by then, plus the weather is humid too dark, it seems it will rain so hard. It matches what I feel, and it makes me more emotional. I was about to enter to our house when i remember, I forgot to bring the keys. Shit... What a miserable life I had. I texted my aunt and told me to get the keys to my cousin, the one who texted and accused me. I went to my other aunt's house and get the keys. And my I told my cousin that I don't get anything. In my head it was like, "king**a isampal ko pa isang libo ko sayo eh. Isang daan lang yun kukunin ko pa." but of course I can't do that in reality. I got the keys and go home. I lay down on my bed, and cried. I was all alone, there's no one I cant talk to. So i'm writing on my blog.
I need to go to work by evening, I was not able to have a nap. My heart was heavy.
There's people on our house by evening. My older cousin went on our house too. And my other cousin teasing me, and whispered me "Lagot Ka". I was like p**8******* niyo di niyo ba ko titigilan?" Even though I know it's a joke. I leave home unahapy and badtrip.
I walked to meditate, I usually ride on trike when going to work. I bought a chocolate. I usually ate this when I feel sad, or messed up. I remember we had a team building on the next day, and I said to my co-workers that I can't go to the team building cause we have a shooting for our prod and that would be for our finals. One of my co-workers said "Umayos kayo diyan ah, Nagpa-plot nga tayo para sa team building tapos gagamitin niyo sa iba." In my mind it's like. "Haler nag-aaral po ako. Hindi ko din naman akalain na meron pala kong ibang pupuntahan, at yung team building hindi naman swimming or what ever, pupunta lang sa bahay nung isa natin kasama. Ta**na nyo. Andami ko na ngang problema ngayon. Gusto ko ng mag suicide!!" Good thing on that evening I get alot of good surveys (it's a feed back on your service from your customers.) I think I'm ok, I don't do small talk with my co-workers beside me. I was not on my mood now. I feel sleepy and I decided to sleep on my lunch.
I woke up because my co-workers went to the sleeping quarters to wake me.
Shet. I looked at my watch, and It's going to be 5 o'clock in the morning. Shit. I went to the sleeping quarters around 2am and I woke up around 4 or 5am. "TL was looking for you.." my colleague said.
We run hurriedly. I checked the computer on my station it was already logged off. Shit I'm so messed up. When I opened my computer and entered to the chat room. My teammates were requesting for team meeting. My TL said we can't because of the lates of... and the over lunch of... I replied joking and said "hehe". It was a fault. I'm out of my mind. My TL replied "Walang nakakatawa Keren." and then "Pinagbigyan na kita dati. paulit-ulit mo nang ginagawa yan." "Bibigyan kita ng DA sa Mia mo". I just replied "Sorry tl :(" I'm answering a call by that time and my tears was about to go down. I release the call (sorry) I think I'm going to breakdown. I don't want let that happen again. I took a deep breath, think a lot of funny things. Life goes on.. I answered calls. I passed surveys but I think since TL is angry to me he didnt include my surveys.
Shit. I'm so messed up this day. What the heck. I talked to one of my best friend at work. I said to her if we can talk and have a sip of milktea later at the end of shift. She said yes, I tell him what happened on that day, and my tears fell down. She hugged me. I had a nap. And when I woke up she accompanied one of my friends. We went to one of the cafe shop around Espana. Good thing I don't have any shift on evening and I don't have any classes on that day.
After eating. I go home. It's about 1pm when I go to sleep, and rest. Atleast I have a time not to think a single stuff.. Sorry brain for over-thinking. You deserve some rest, I know you're exhausted.
- KG
01-02-2017
6:00 pm. I spent most of my time just lying on the bed after eating a burger and just sipped a milkshake. This is the reason why I gained weight when I'm depressed, I ate alot cause there's pleasurable feeling when you're eating. It's like "I'm having companion atleast, thank you so much food!" The feeling that "buti pa ang pagkain laging andyan para sayo"..
I hate the feeling when you say to someone that you're sad, or depressed. Cause I'll see it in their eyes, and it's like "wala akong pake sa nararamdaman mo, basta ako masaya ako ngayon.." So what I did is just to keep it by myself and sometimes I can't take it anymore. I'll just breakdown, write on my blog or diary. I remember, once I cried at work. I'll just breakdown. I do have alot of problems by that time, at home, school and I think lack of sleep I guess triggered my mood swings. They all came up together by that time, and when I go to work, my desktop was not working properly and my customer got irate and yell at me. I just released the call. (call center agents be like,,) I turned off my computer, I don't care If someone look for me, cause were prohibited to go on breaks or lunch. I just go to c.r and cried alot. Like someone died at that day. To make the story short, my colleague accompany me to eat lunch, they asked me what was happened, and I just told my problems. My other colleague told me, "Hayy, naku Keren may mas matitindi pang problema yung ibang tao diyan, yung iba nga walang makain..." My colleague was older than me, cause I'm one of the youngest agents on our account. And I replied to him " Bakit?????!!! Hindi ba pwedeng umiyak kahit ngayon lang??? Ano yun pipigilin ko na lang yung sarili ko kahit di na ko OK??? Kahit pagod na pagod na ko????!!"
You know I really hate the feeling that they expect too much from me, and they think we are all in the same age. Haler!! I'm just 18. What can you expect? Expect some mood swings, too emotional,
So let's go to the point, the reason why I'm writing is that I do have alot of problems right now. They all just came up and then BANG!!!
It's my bad day. I do have a lot of problems in school, work, home and to myself.
So this is what happened..
I go to school and nothing seems odd or bad. Oh I forgot it's thursday and our first subject was MATH. Yes, my enemy number one. When our professor called us one by one for attendance, he notice my name and mentioned me that I don't have any Quizes. Fvck... Yes, I don't deny that I dont have any quizzes but I just get irritated when he said "Umayos ka ha!" The heck. If you just know how worst professor you are. Cause you know, I just don't have any choice, because our original Prof divided us cause the classroom we're too crowded, and she can't handle it anymore.
Well what made me more irritate is that my classmate told me that our original prof in math was kept calling me on the attendance. Like what the fvck! If I just only know that earlier, I attend her class not on my currently prof.. Ugh.
We're going on lunch, when I heard my classmates was teasing someone. And I asked one of my friends who's the one they referring to. They said it was (let's just call them Saturn for the girl and Lawyer for the boy). Lawyer is my friend.A close friend. (And let me tell something about him on one of my blogs soon..) Of course you'll going to ask why I got irritate on what happened. I don't know. I just felt some jealous for them, Yes, it hurts me. Especially when I saw Lawyer seems so happy or got kilig when they tease to each other. Especially now, Lawyer and I doesn't have time together. I mean we seldom eat together with friends, go to mall, talk for non sense things like that. I got jealous cause he had other friends and I'm not used to see him with others,
When I go home, I checked my phone. I missed a call from my older cousin. I read his text message and it said "Keng wer r u??" and the other text message was like "Ba't mo kinuha yung 100 dito? Pang-apply ko na nga lang yun eh, tapos kukunin mo pa. Ikaw na nga may trabaho diyan, nakakainis ka!" My aunt also texted me, she said "Keng ba't mo daw kinuha yung 100, iyak ng iyak yung kuya mo." I was like, what the heck they're telling. I don't know what they're talking about and they just accused me. Fvck. I was about to cry by then, plus the weather is humid too dark, it seems it will rain so hard. It matches what I feel, and it makes me more emotional. I was about to enter to our house when i remember, I forgot to bring the keys. Shit... What a miserable life I had. I texted my aunt and told me to get the keys to my cousin, the one who texted and accused me. I went to my other aunt's house and get the keys. And my I told my cousin that I don't get anything. In my head it was like, "king**a isampal ko pa isang libo ko sayo eh. Isang daan lang yun kukunin ko pa." but of course I can't do that in reality. I got the keys and go home. I lay down on my bed, and cried. I was all alone, there's no one I cant talk to. So i'm writing on my blog.
I need to go to work by evening, I was not able to have a nap. My heart was heavy.
There's people on our house by evening. My older cousin went on our house too. And my other cousin teasing me, and whispered me "Lagot Ka". I was like p**8******* niyo di niyo ba ko titigilan?" Even though I know it's a joke. I leave home unahapy and badtrip.
I walked to meditate, I usually ride on trike when going to work. I bought a chocolate. I usually ate this when I feel sad, or messed up. I remember we had a team building on the next day, and I said to my co-workers that I can't go to the team building cause we have a shooting for our prod and that would be for our finals. One of my co-workers said "Umayos kayo diyan ah, Nagpa-plot nga tayo para sa team building tapos gagamitin niyo sa iba." In my mind it's like. "Haler nag-aaral po ako. Hindi ko din naman akalain na meron pala kong ibang pupuntahan, at yung team building hindi naman swimming or what ever, pupunta lang sa bahay nung isa natin kasama. Ta**na nyo. Andami ko na ngang problema ngayon. Gusto ko ng mag suicide!!" Good thing on that evening I get alot of good surveys (it's a feed back on your service from your customers.) I think I'm ok, I don't do small talk with my co-workers beside me. I was not on my mood now. I feel sleepy and I decided to sleep on my lunch.
I woke up because my co-workers went to the sleeping quarters to wake me.
Shet. I looked at my watch, and It's going to be 5 o'clock in the morning. Shit. I went to the sleeping quarters around 2am and I woke up around 4 or 5am. "TL was looking for you.." my colleague said.
We run hurriedly. I checked the computer on my station it was already logged off. Shit I'm so messed up. When I opened my computer and entered to the chat room. My teammates were requesting for team meeting. My TL said we can't because of the lates of... and the over lunch of... I replied joking and said "hehe". It was a fault. I'm out of my mind. My TL replied "Walang nakakatawa Keren." and then "Pinagbigyan na kita dati. paulit-ulit mo nang ginagawa yan." "Bibigyan kita ng DA sa Mia mo". I just replied "Sorry tl :(" I'm answering a call by that time and my tears was about to go down. I release the call (sorry) I think I'm going to breakdown. I don't want let that happen again. I took a deep breath, think a lot of funny things. Life goes on.. I answered calls. I passed surveys but I think since TL is angry to me he didnt include my surveys.
Shit. I'm so messed up this day. What the heck. I talked to one of my best friend at work. I said to her if we can talk and have a sip of milktea later at the end of shift. She said yes, I tell him what happened on that day, and my tears fell down. She hugged me. I had a nap. And when I woke up she accompanied one of my friends. We went to one of the cafe shop around Espana. Good thing I don't have any shift on evening and I don't have any classes on that day.
After eating. I go home. It's about 1pm when I go to sleep, and rest. Atleast I have a time not to think a single stuff.. Sorry brain for over-thinking. You deserve some rest, I know you're exhausted.
- KG
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