To my 20 year old self

Dear 20 year old self,

This would be the last teenage drama note you'll ever receive from my 19 year old self. In just a few days, another year will come though Age doesn't really matter and age is just a number. And yep, I don't celebrate my birthday too so turning into 20 doesn't really matter to me. 

Well, my 19 year old self is writing this because for her, she experienced a lot of things so far. I think this phase of her life is the beginning of what they called "adulting" and for her it was really uneasy. 

My 19 year old point-of-view:

These past few days, 4 days to be exact, I feel so worthless. All I did was to sleep longer than normal. It's like I don't wanna wake up and I dont want to face the world. I feel guilty at the same time 'cause I'll just woke up to eat and the fact is I'm just staying at my aunt's house. I don't go to school for 2 weeks now and I resigned at work. I wanna withdraw myself to everyone. I didn't want to socialize to anyone. I don't know what am I going to do with my life seriously. It comes to the point that I really want to go somewhere by myself, just like what I did last year. I went to Thailand by myself and take note that's my first time to go outside the country. I think there are things or whatever it is that will come to your mind and suddenly you have all the courage to do that because of desperation or being sick of this life. By that time, I really want to go to Pangasinan with a 500 pesos in my pocket. I don't know why I would like to go to Pangasinan maybe because I would like to see the green fields, I want to travel for a longer time with no traffic,  I would like to listen to 90's music while crossing the express way and I'm so sick of this fucking city I'm currently living. I also love the people there, so refreshing to be with. All I want by that time is to breathe and I don't care if I don't have enough money to go back to manila.

I'm so fed up with my life by these days. I'm so hopeless. I didn't have any enthusiasm to do some things unlike before, If I have a spare time I try to play the keyboard and learn some songs. I also practice doing calligraphy and all other artistic stuff. But at this time I have no courage to do it. I also try to think who I can go to to have some conversation but all of them I believe was busy because it's weekdays. 

All I did was to sleep, from 12am to 2pm. After that I'll eat and do some chores and after that I'll wait for evening to sleep again. One monday morning, I decided to woke up early and go to school but half of me say "No. You can't go." My sister, nephew and cousin was at my aunt's home to stay for a couple of days. My mom was there too last night and left monday morning. I think that is the other reason why I am sad by that day because my mom left me and my sister will leave me soon. Again, I'll be alone at home and I hate being left. My sister asked me If I'll go to school. I said no. "Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko. Nawawalan na ako ng gana sa buhay." I added. And she told me I can go to her house whenever I feel sad. They need to go. I locked the door and go back to sleep. I woke up around 5:30. To be honest, even if it seems like I don't care going to school, I'm very anxious about it.

When I woke up, I fold my clothes and i decided to send a message to our group chat if they already feel what I feel right now. That I'm very hopeless and I told them that If I'm not a christian and If I don't love Jehovah, I should be dead for a long time. 

I waited for 10 mins and no one is online. I logout my messenger, open my other account and continued what I'm doing. Few minutes later, someone knocked on the door and I heard a voice asking where I am.It seems she's on a rush. My uncle told her I'm on our room and my friend Maiden hurriedly go towards me and cried. I thought she have a problem since we talked about the feeling of being hopeless and other suicidal things just last day. I comforted her and hugged her. And she told me "Pinakaba mo ko!" and beaten me with her umbrella. I told her I will never do that. She walked with me and have some food trip with our cousin Pat and talked about my feelings. I had the best advice from matured people since I truly know that they are Jehovah's instruments. When I went home, more friends came because they worried about me. Meanwhile, my cousin Abby told me to go online and check our group chat. When I checked, a lot of inspiring message bombarded our groupchat and it made me cry a little. My sister also texted me that she never likes what she's seeing. She told me "naiiyak ako nung sinabi mo na wala ka nang gana sa buhay". I don't know if she's aware about what happened but my brother and mother makes me worry about it as well. My aunt told me my mom and bro will talked to me on that evening. I hurriedly call my mom 'cause I don't want them to go there by that night 'cause it's too late. When I call my mom I heard her crying and when I talked to my brother I started to cry as well. My cousin left me inside the room. After that drama, my cousin told me she already knew what made me sad that day and I knew it too.

Okay, now let's stop the drama. No worries, I'll write more things while I'm still on my teenage years. My 19 year old self had a lot of teenage drama experiences so far and I know there's alot more at my 20's. I know it's too cliche but pls 20 year old self, choose what makes you happy. Please don't stress yourself at the things that you know were temporary. You know what I mean. Just always remember, 1 John 2:17 "Furthermore, the world is passing away and so is its desire, but the one who does the will of God remains forever".

Keng, you're to young to be so miserable that you overthink things from time to time. Now that you'll be 20 please love yourself more. Travel more. Be more fit. Be more positive and always smile. Read more books. Also please be responsible in some things and more importantly please enjoy life and praise the one who gave you that life. :)

Xoxo

19 year old self